What If Vince Russo Booked WWE Extreme Rules 2012?

Without a doubt, Extreme Rules was one of the better WWE “B-shows” in a long time. Usually these shows are really hit-or-miss, mainly because it’s really hard to give a shit about some of the stuff (remember Capitol Punishment?).

But yesterday was really, really fun. So I have to ask myself, what would’ve happen if legendary wrestling mastermind Vince Russo had the book last night? I see it going down like this…

Match 1: Kane vs. Randy Orton in a Falls Count Anywhere match

Well, first off, this wouldn’t be a Falls Count Anywhere match. It would’ve been a Falls Count Anywhere Paul Bearer On A Pole Match. The object of that, of course, is to get Paul Bearer off the pole and then pin Bearer anywhere. Got it? Cool. So the two would battle around the arena, hitting each other with baseball bats, cars and dice before security runs in and breaks them up. After they get away from them, they head back into the ring, where Bearer is waiting. Orton goes to grab Bearer off the pole, only he crumbles under the weight (think Hogan-Andre at WM3) and Bearer lands on top of him, pinning Orton’s shoulders to the mat. The ref counts three and that’s it. PAUL BEARER WINS! No one saw that coming!

Match #2: Dolph Ziggler vs. Brodus Clay

This wouldn’t be just a regular match, it would turn into a game of limbo where, instead of a limbo pole, Clay and Ziggler had to squeeze through Naomi’s ever-closing legs. As an added bonus, Booker T would pass out due to the excitement. They would limbo so furiously that security thinks there’s a fight going on, so they’d run in to break it up. But they’d realize everyone was just limboing, so instead of breaking it up, they’d join in on the fun. Of course, Vickie Guerrero would get bit in the ass halfway through her turn by Hornswaggle, falling down and getting humiliated in the process. Jack Swagger would do push-ups all the way through, but it would all come down to Ziggler and Clay, where Clay somehow manages to do the Worm through Naomi’s legs while Ziggler slips on all the spray-on tan that had accumulated on the mat, giving Clay the win!

Match 3: Tables Match for the IC Title: Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes

Well, this wouldn’t be a tables match for one thing. In fact, it wouldn’t even be a match. The four minutes this match went would be converted to a Main Event Mafia promo with Scott Steiner calling people fat.

Catch the rest after the jump…

BREAKING: Reason Shaq won’t be at WrestleMania revealed

STAMFORD, Conn. (February 23, 2012) — WWE announced Wednesday that four-time NBA champion Shaquille O’Neal wouldn’t be appearing at WrestleMania XXVIII at Miami’s Sun Life Stadium, but they didn’t provide a reason why.

Despite Shaquille O’Neal’s claim that he will compete at WrestleMania XXVIII in Miami, WWE officials have informed WWE.com that the 15-time NBA All-Star is not scheduled to appear on the card.

Despite WWE stonewalling its own website, TCS was able to get the exclusive scoop on why Shaq won’t be competing this year at WrestleMania and it’s because the two sides could not come to terms.

"The Titans of Tallness," The Great Khali and Shaq. Can't even make a joke here.

Now, on the surface, this seems like a common business issue. The two sides most likely couldn’t come to terms on money, right? Wrong! TCS has learned from sources close to the situation that the reason O’Neal didn’t come to terms with WWE is because they asked him to change his name because they already have another O’Neil on the roster in the form of NXT Superstar Titus O’Neil.

Wanting to avoid a confusing situation on the show in front of the live crowd who might not be able to differentiate between the two after O’Neil’s big appearance in the pre-show battle royal, WWE asked O’Neal to report to Florida Championship Wrestling for a week prior to his proposed match with The Big Show, which would naturally require a name change.

“It’s plain and simple, we have real fears that the fans in Miami might not get the difference between the two,” our WWE source told us. “I mean, come on, this is the same city that kisses LeBron’s ass day after day. They aren’t the brightest in the world. If you’re looking for a scapegoat on this one, look no further than those people.”

TCS has learned that O’Neal’s management is extremely unhappy of this development, as O’Neal was hoping to be a big part of the show, which features the long-awaited grudge match between The Rock and John Cena, where the winner will be determined by who has more Twitter followers.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised by this in the least,” O’Neal’s representative told TCS. “As Charles Barkley says, ‘this is just turrible. T-R-B-L,’ and that’s really what it is. But come on, would you expect anything less from a company that has continued to main event The Great Khali while shitting on Tyson Kidd? This is a company that is building a tradition of taking names that actually mean something to fans and completely changing them to something blindly put together by a computer program or something. McGillicutty? Get the fuck out of here.”

TCS has learned through our sources a few of the names proposed for O’Neal to be called in WWE. The leader in the clubhouse, so to say, was Bronko Eisenhower. Other names in the running were Barack Gore, The Great Ali, Mickey Nixon, “Sugar” Ray Lincoln, Don Prius and El Gran Hombre Gigante Negro.

As originally reported by TCS, O’Neal was on the verge of spurning the NBA to take a deal with WWE in 2010, but that too fell through.

What’s Wrong With WWE? (Or STFU About Twitter Already)

What is wrong with WWE?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself quite a bit lately. Because right now, something’s not right about their programming, namely Monday Night Raw.

I thought this was just a little rut (albeit one that I haven’t seen since I returned to watching wrestling in January 2003 after a two-year absence) but all that changed last night when WWE somehow managed to make the return of THE ROCK seem completely trivial and unimportant. I mean, think about that. They managed to screw up something I would’ve thought impossible to screw up.

SHUP UP ABOUT THIS ALREADY!

The shows have just been boring lately. I had some hope that when The Rock came back, even if it was only for two shows, that somehow, things would be different.

I was wrong.

Last night, The Rock was still great, but something just wasn’t right. He seemed almost phony. And why was that? Because he kept mentioning fucking Twitter. Over and over and over again. And again. And again. And again. In fact, during the final segment that featured he, John Cena, The Miz and R-Truth, Twitter, or trending was mentioned 12 TIMES IN 19 MINUTES.

Mention Twitter 8 billion times during each broadcast is starting to wear. And when it can start turning someone like me against THE ROCK, then it’s a big, big problem.

Shut the fuck up about Twitter already. It’s like TNA constantly mentioning ratings. NOBODY GIVES A RAT’S ASS.

Here are some other reasons why I think WWE sucks right now:

Messing up pushes

I first started to notice this in 2009. Remember when Randy Orton punted Vince McMahon and then Shane McMahon struck (or more accurately, didn’t strike). Remember when Kofi Kingston absolutely beat the piss out of Orton at Madison Square Garden and the place went bananas? Yeah, that ended a few weeks later.

Two huge blown opportunities there. Then you had Wade Barrett last year. That was an absolute embarrassment. Here’s a guy who is the total package and they are wasting him.

I can go on and on and other examples of this just in the last two years alone but we’d be here all night.

Where Are They Now? WWF Badd Blood: In Your House

Monday afternoon, I fired up WWF Badd Blood: In Your House on WWE Classics On Demand. The classic features the first-ever Hell in a Cell match between The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. It also was the day Brian Pillman died, so Vince McMahon (in his last PPV on commentary) provided updates on that through the evening.

I was thinking about it and wanted to do a quick analysis of where the roster of this PPV sits right now. How many are still in the company? How many are dead?

Matches:

Nation of Domination (Kama, The Rock & D-Lo Brown) vs. Legion of Doom
WWF Tag Team Championship: The Godwinns vs. The Headbangers
Intercontinental Title Tournament Final: Owen Hart vs. Faarooq
Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Los Boricuas
Flag Match: WWF Champion Bret Hart & The British Bulldog vs. Vader & The Patriot
Hell in a Cell: WWF European Champion Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker

Still on active roster:
The Undertaker
The Rock

And to define these two on the “active roster” is a bit of a joke. One hasn’t wrestled for seven years but has two matches on top, the other has had one match in the last year. So it’s really stretching it. Triple H also appeared on this show in a managerial role for Shawn Michaels.

Dead:
Hawk
Owen Hart
Crush
British Bulldog

This is particularly morbid.

I realize this was 14 years ago at this point, but that’s a significant bit of turnover. I mean, I don’t think there’s anyone who was in a wrestling role on this show still active today. Pretty crazy.

“THAT’S GOTTA BE, THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE!” – Vince McMahon

Dixie Carter’s Clue: ‘I Had a Good Run’

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Watching Impact on Thursday, it seemed quite a bit strange to us here at TCS that Eric Bischoff was just allowed on Impact after all the nefarious activity he’d been up to in the last year.

He stole the company from TNA president Dixie Carter by making her sign a document signing over power, then he and Hulk Hogan turned heel and took over on 10/10/10. This led to quite possibly the greatest segment in TNA history, the infamous “smug shit” and “SERGE! SERGE!” promo.

So after the courts made Dixie look like a fool and she officially lost her company, it was the noble man Sting who regained it for her by defeating Hulk Hogan at Bound For Glory in Philadelphia. The next Thursday on Impact, Hogan was fine because he was a good guy now, jack, but Bischoff was still a heel. Where was Dixie’s revenge? Why wasn’t Bischoff immediately fired? After all, he pretty much committed a crime in taking the company from here, right? So now that she has power, why is he allowed to get away scott free?

Well, our nose for news knows no bounds, so we hopped on a plane this morning to Nashville to see what we could dig up at the TNA headquarters.

Quote of the Day: Jerry Lawler was once awesome

It’s Royal Rumble 1997. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin just screwed Bret Hart out of the Royal Rumble victory by reentering the ring after Hart threw him out — only the referees were too busy dealing with Mankind and Terry Funk brawling on the other side of the ring. Austin reentered, eliminated Vader and The Undertaker and then threw out Hart to win. A great finish.

That led Hart to head to the announce table, where he accosted Vince McMahon, grabbing him by his jacket. This led to the following exchange:

Vince McMahon: That was unfortunate situation. Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct.

Jerry Lawler: Let’s see about having him suspended for life.

McMahon: No.

Lawler: What? No?

Back in the day, Lawler was awesome with his one-liners when he was actually a heel.

TCS Wrestling Power Poll: How the panel saw it

Yesterday, the first-ever TCS Wrestling Power Poll was released.

As Alex Riley’s theme says, “Say it to my face!” so, in the interest of transparency, here are the nine individual ballots and some explanation of why our voters voted the way they did.

And since I’m the King of this place, I’m going to offer my commentary on the individual ballots, as well.

So, stay with us after the jump for the individual ballots!

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