Without a doubt, Extreme Rules was one of the better WWE “B-shows” in a long time. Usually these shows are really hit-or-miss, mainly because it’s really hard to give a shit about some of the stuff (remember Capitol Punishment?).
But yesterday was really, really fun. So I have to ask myself, what would’ve happen if legendary wrestling mastermind Vince Russo had the book last night? I see it going down like this…
Match 1: Kane vs. Randy Orton in a Falls Count Anywhere match
Well, first off, this wouldn’t be a Falls Count Anywhere match. It would’ve been a Falls Count Anywhere Paul Bearer On A Pole Match. The object of that, of course, is to get Paul Bearer off the pole and then pin Bearer anywhere. Got it? Cool. So the two would battle around the arena, hitting each other with baseball bats, cars and dice before security runs in and breaks them up. After they get away from them, they head back into the ring, where Bearer is waiting. Orton goes to grab Bearer off the pole, only he crumbles under the weight (think Hogan-Andre at WM3) and Bearer lands on top of him, pinning Orton’s shoulders to the mat. The ref counts three and that’s it. PAUL BEARER WINS! No one saw that coming!
Match #2: Dolph Ziggler vs. Brodus Clay
This wouldn’t be just a regular match, it would turn into a game of limbo where, instead of a limbo pole, Clay and Ziggler had to squeeze through Naomi’s ever-closing legs. As an added bonus, Booker T would pass out due to the excitement. They would limbo so furiously that security thinks there’s a fight going on, so they’d run in to break it up. But they’d realize everyone was just limboing, so instead of breaking it up, they’d join in on the fun. Of course, Vickie Guerrero would get bit in the ass halfway through her turn by Hornswaggle, falling down and getting humiliated in the process. Jack Swagger would do push-ups all the way through, but it would all come down to Ziggler and Clay, where Clay somehow manages to do the Worm through Naomi’s legs while Ziggler slips on all the spray-on tan that had accumulated on the mat, giving Clay the win!
Match 3: Tables Match for the IC Title: Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes
Well, this wouldn’t be a tables match for one thing. In fact, it wouldn’t even be a match. The four minutes this match went would be converted to a Main Event Mafia promo with Scott Steiner calling people fat.
Catch the rest after the jump…