WrestleMania XXVII Predictions!

It’s that time of year — WrestleMania! And it’s been written in the stars that all your (or my) favorite tweeters get together and prediction this year’s edition of WrestleMania … IN CHARACTER. That’s right. These have been written in the form of the people (or concepts) we tweet about (or, kind of). For the picks of our good buddy @WhatMathewsSays, click here! Enjoy! — TCS

WWE Championship – The Miz (c) vs. John Cena

TCS: Let me tell you something. The Miz is awesome. He is the most must-see WWE Champion in history and there’s a reason for that. The Miz is like the Barack Obama of WWE. On the other side you have John Cena, a guy who says the same four things over and over and over again. The Miz is going to take John Cena to school here. Cena may be the Purple People Eater but he isn’t eating The Miz come Sunday night at the Georgia Dome! After The Miz pastes Cena, he’s going to set his sights onto The People’s Chump The Rock. It’ll be Skull-Crushing Finales for all.

ULTIMATE MARKOUT: THE SAME THING FOR EDGE AND DEL RIO APPLIES HERE. IF THE ROCK INTERFERES FOR THE SAKE OF MIZ KEEPING THE TITLE, THEN SO BE IT. AS MUCH AS I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT, AND EVEN THOUGH IT IS MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE LIKELY THAT CENA IS GOING TO WIN THE TITLE, THAT STILL DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM WANTING MIZ TO WIN IN EVERY RESPECT. WHAT WE’RE PROBABLY GOING TO SEE IS A GOOD, CLEAN MATCH BETWEEN THE MIZ AND JOHN CENA WHICH WILL END WITH CENA OVERCOMING THE ODDS AND RECLAIMING THE TITLE. WHY? BECAUSE IT’S WRESTLEMANIA. CENA WILL NEVER NOT WIN AT MANIA, NOT EVEN TO PUT OVER THE MIZ. IT WOULD BE AMAZING FOR MIZ’S CAREER, EVEN JUST TO HOLD THE TITLE UNTIL EXTREME RULES OR OVER THE LIMIT OR WHATEVER SHITTY PAY PER VIEW IT’S CALLED NOW. I DON’T CARE IF HE LOSES IT THEN. JUST KEEP IT NOW.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, THOUGH, THAT HAVING BOTH DEL RIO AND THE MIZ WIN BOTH THE TITLE MATCHES IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY. HAVING TWO HEELS WIN AT A SHOW THAT’S DESIGNED ONLY FOR FACES TO COME OUT ON TOP IS ABOUT AS LIKELY AS HOGAN AND BISCHOFF GET LESS AIR TIME ON TNA. IT’S SIMPLY JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. SO TAKE YOUR PICK, MIZ OR DEL RIO? WHOEVER WINS, THE OTHER LOSES, AND QUITE FRANKLY, WE ALL LOSE. SOMEBODY’S PUSH IS GOING TO GET SNUFFED, AND THE MIZ IS MUCH MORE LIKELY, CONSIDERING HOW HE’S HELD THE TITLE MUCH LONGER, AND CENA’S INFINITE PUSH TOWARDS THE FUCKING SKY.

JUST LET THE HEELS WIN, WWE. PLEASE, JUST THIS ONCE.

Striker Says: The Miz will win. Somehow. The Rock will distract Cena long enough for the Skull-Crushing Finale. ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY. I’m drunk. But beside that, I really like The Miz as champion. Cena is a certified main-eventer, and I just don’t see the Miz dropping the title just yet. He is ROLLING (gimmick infringement, omg) and I think he will stay on top for a little while longer.

Typical ROH Fan: THE ROCK VS. JOHN CENA SHOULD BE GOOD.  I THINK THE ROCK WILL DEFEAT CENA IN THIS HIGHLY ANTICIPATED DREAM MATCH TO WIN THE WWE TITLE. ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS MATCH IS THAT SOME GUY KEEPS HOLDING STANDING IN THE RING DURING CENA AND ROCK PROMOS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT BUT I PREDICT THE ROCK WINS.

No Holds Barred – The Undertaker vs. Triple H

Editor’s Note: Take a good, hard, long look at this picture. Look at Triple H’s head compared to his body. Wow.

TCS: Oh my! What a match this will be. The Undertaker’s streak is one of the great things about WrestleMania. You could say it’s the longest running matchisodic winning streak in WrestleMania history! Triple H says he’s going to beat the Undertaker or die trying. If he dies, who’s going to run the company? Since I’m a betting man, I’m taking odds on which entrance is going to last long. That’s why Zack Ryder’s not on this show. This match should be epic considering this is the first time the two have met at WrestleMania. The Undertaker always saves his best for WrestleMania. We should see VINTAGE UNDERTAKER here as he Tombstones Triple H for the 1-2-3-. 19-0!

ULTIMATE MARKOUT: THIS IS WHAT I LIKE. TWO 40 YEAR OLD MEN WAY PAST THEIR PRIME WHO DON’T TAKE BUMPS. IT’S GOING TO BE HAILED AS MATCH OF THE YEAR ALL YEARS, EVEN THOUGH THE PRIMARY “STRATEGIES” OF BOTH OF THESE MEN WILL BE OBVIOUS SPOTS AND FLINGING CHAIRS EVERYWHERE. EXPECT RUNNING HIGH KNEES. EXPECT THE BIG BOOT IN THE CORNER THAT ALWAYS MISSES. YOU’LL BE SEEING MULITPLE PEDIGREES AND TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVERS EVERYWHERE. ANNOUNCE TABLE SPOTS? HOW MANY TABLES ARE THERE???

NO HOLDS BARRED IS AMAZING. IMAGINE ALL THE RUN INS YOU’RE GOING TO SEE! THERE’S THE OBVIOUS SHAWN MICHAELS, BUT NASH ALREADY CONFIRMED THAT HE’S GOING TO BE AT WRESTLEMANIA ON TWITTER. WE COULD SEE THE ENTIRE NWO RUN IN!!! X-PAC WILL BE CONFLICTED!!! DOES HE SIDE WITH THE NWO OR D-X??? WE COULD SEE ALL OF EVOLUTION RUN IN!!! RIC FLAIR WILL BLADE JUST BECAUSE!!! THEN THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS OUT OF NOWHERE!!! WE’RE GOING TO SEE NEXUS, KANE, THE CORRE, EVEN GOLDBERG WILL RUN IN AND SPEAR EVERYONE!!! WE WANT THIS, WWE.

I LIKE RUN-INS, THAT’S WHY TNA IS MY FAVORITE SHOW (Editor’s Note: Fuck off and die!!!).

TAKER WILL CHOKESLAM EVERYONE (INTO TABLES) AND THEN TRIPLE H WILL PEDIGREE EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, EFFECTIVELY BURYING EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY THE MIDCARD. BUT CAN TRIPLE H BURY THE DEAD MAN’S STREAK? THE ANSWER IS NO. IT’LL BE A TRAVESTY IF HE DOES. THERE’S NO POINT TO DESECRATING ONE OF THE MOST TREASURED LEGACIES IN WWE HISTORY JUST FOR THE SAKE OF INFLATING TRIPLE H’S EGO. LET ALONE WITH A RUN IN FROM SHAWN MICHAELS.

Striker Says: Winner: whatever band HHH uses for his entrance. Also, ‘Taker. I just don’t see the streak being broken. And HBK Almighty proclaimed it so that HHH couldn’t win, so… You know how those cross-eyes can see the future.

Typical ROH Fan: WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE TO ANSWER THIS ONE? THERE ARE 4 GUARANTEES IN LIFE. 1. DEATH 2. TAXES 3. JOEY IMAGE PATHETICALLY HITTING ON GIRLS VIA TWITTER AND 4. UNDERTAKER WINNING AT WRESTLEMANIA. THE ONLY WAY TRIPLE H WOULD WIN IS IF THIS WAS A BATTLE OF THE TERRIBLE TANS MATCH. AND EVEN THAT WOULD BE TOUGH. ORANGETAKER GETS 19-0.

World Heavyweight Championship – Edge (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio

TCS: Alberto Del Rio is such a great man! He is going to come out here and absolutely wipe the floor with that disrespectful punk Edge. Remember when he destroyed the GM’s computer? He is going to get what’s coming to him in this match. His little cohort Christian is going to be of no help when he gets wrecked by Big Brodus Clay and the awesome Ricardo Rodriguez. Your new World Heavyweight Champion: ALBERTOOOOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ULTIMATE MARKOUT: A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SPECULATING A CHRISTIAN HEEL TURN FOR THIS MATCH, WHICH WOULD PUSH A FUTURE FEUD. I WILL BE INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTED IF THAT HAPPENS. THIS IS A MAIN EVENT TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA. THESE ARE MEANT TO BE THE BIGGEST MATCHES OF THE NIGHT, AND TYPICALLY INVOLVE A DISTINCT LACK OF SHENANIGANS. I’M OK WITH HEEL SHENANIGANS FOR THE SAKE OF PUTTING OVER A HEEL. THAT’S WHY I WON’T MIND IF ALBERTO WINS WITH AN ASSIST FROM HIS ENTOURAGE. IF IT’S ONE PERSON WHO DESERVES AN ENTOURAGE, DEL RIO’S CHARACTER WOULD FIT PERFECTLY FOR IT. I JUST DON’T THINK… OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU COULD HAVE, BRODUS CLAY? REALLY? DEL RIO COULD LEAD A FACTION AND HOLD THE WORLD TITLE AT THE SAME TIME. IT’S JUST, PLEASE, GET RID OF BRODUS CLAY. HE OFFENDS MY EYES SO BADLY.

IT’S HARD TO PICTURE THIS MATCH TAKING PLACE WITHOUT SHENANIGANS, BUT I’M JUST HOPING THAT IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY. IF IT DOES, THEN PLEASE JUST GIVE THE TITLE TO DEL RIO. I TALK ABOUT HAVING A MIDCARD HEEL WIN, BUT THIS IS A MAIN EVENT HEEL WIN THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE. IF CHRISTIAN HEEL TURNS, MUCH TO MY DISMAY, THEN SO BE IT. IF CHRISTIAN AND EDGE ARE GOING TO FEUD, JUST AS LONG AS DEL RIO IS IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW, AWESOME. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE HE’LL PUT KOFI OVER BY LETTING HIM CHALLENGE FOR THE TITLE. THAT COULD BE HIS REWARD FOR LOSING HIS MANIA SPOT.

Striker Says: Ummmm….. Edge. Just because I cannot fucking stand to see Brodus Clay on my screen any longer. But I think Christian and Clay will start fighting outside the ring, maaayyyyybe leading to a feud between the two? Who knows. I expect Alberto Del Rio’s wink to win it all.

Typical ROH Fan: ALBERTO DEL RIO AND EDGE ARE GREAT. THIS MATCH WILL BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF WORLD W****LING ENTERTAINMENT’S SHOW ON  ROH’S ATLANTA WEEKEND. I THINK ALBERTO DEL RIO WILL WIN BUT WWE MAY FINE THEM FOR TOO MUCH W****LING. EITHER WAY NEW CHAMP. BTW EDGE WAS AT A ROH SHOW 2 MONTHS AGO.

Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Michael Cole w/ Jack Swagger (Special Guest Referee: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin)

TCS: Bitch please. Ancole locks all around! Six of them for Lawler and four of them for Austin! It’s going to be a Cole Roll at WrestleMania this Sunday! This will not be a slobberknocker. JR will not be screaming “STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!” He’ll be forced to scream, “COLE WINS! COLE WINS! COLE WINS!”

ULTIMATE MARKOUT: THIS IS IT, FOLKS. THIS IS THE MATCH YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT. THIS IS WHAT WRESTLERS DREAM FOR, TO HEADLINE THE GRANDEST STAGE OF THEM. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY’LL HAVE TO STEP ASIDE. INSTEAD WE HAVE A MATCH BETWEEN AN ANNOUNCER WHO HAS NEVER WRESTLED BEFORE AND ONE WHO’S SO FAR PAST HIS PRIME, HE’S DATING A 17 YEAR OLD TO COMPENSATE.

WHO KNOWS. WE COULD BE SURPRISED BY THIS MATCH. MAYBE COLE HAS BEEN TRAINING INTENSELY FOR THE HOTTEST RIVALRY IN THE WWE TODAY, BETWEEN TWO GODDAMN ANNOUNCERS. MAYBE KING WILL HAVE ANOTHER OK MATCH LIKE HE DID WITH THE MIZ IN THAT LADDER MATCH. WHAT I’M EXPECTING IS A BOTCH FEST THE LIKES OF SHARMELL AND JENNA MORASCA. WE, OF COURSE, HAVE THE SHENANIGANS VARIABLES OF JACK SWAGGER AND STONE COLD. MY PREDICTION? STUNNERS EVERYWHERE. EVERYONE IN ATLANTA GETS STUNNERED, ALL AS A PROMOTION FOR TUFF ENUFF. I WANT COLE TO GET HIS OWN THEME SONG, AND TO COME OUT IN INCREDIBLY OVER THE TOP WRESTLING GEAR, OR EVEN AN AMATUER STYLE ONESIE. COLE WINS VIA ANCOLE LOCK.

MY BIGGEST COMPLAINT? NOT ENOUGH JBL.

Striker Says: Arguably, perhaps, the most hyped match of the night! Unfortunately, I have lost all motivation to type. I have a feeling Cole and Swagger will somehow put King in a very unfortunate and precarious position, but STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD will tell Cole how he feels about him with two fingers and screw him over, giving King the win.

Typical ROH Fan: FUCK IT. MICHAEL COLE HAS SAVED US FROM BORING DIVAS MATCHES AND THREE SEASONS OF NXT. I WOULD NOT BE A GOOD WRESTLING FAN IF I DID NOT RE PAY HIM BY PREDICTING HE WILL UPSET THE WORLD AND DEFEAT JERRY LAWLER WITH THE ANKLE LOCK. THEN HE WILL STUN STEVE AUSTIN AND BAD MOUTH HIM WITH HOMOSEXUAL SLURS. COLE WINS.